I believe I had a special bond with my twin.

Her name was Gretchen, and growing up was.

I actually, I don't know any other way other than growing up with my twin.

So I always had a built in buddy.

I always had a built in best friend.

I always had a built in somebody to play with, somebody to be argumentative with, somebody to fight with, somebody to love constantly.

All of my firsts generally involved my twin, and it was more than special.

My twin and I were on a complete same wavelength same bond.

There definitely is something with that twin bond.

And two of our birthdays, this is after we had graduated from high school.

I sent her on the same day that she received it and vice versa, the same birthday card.

She was living in Virginia.

I was living in Pittsburgh, and we opened the cards and I thought, wait a second, did I send this to my twin or did I send it to myself?

And I called her and she said, did you send me the same birthday card that I sent you?

Yes, I did.

And the chances of that are pretty darn slim.

And I'm.

I love being a twin.

So growing up in my family was very fun.

It was from back in the 70s where the dad went to work.

My mom stayed home and raised us absolutely wonderful and fun and loving and the typical sibling rivalry, wonderful memory.

No matter how I slice it, it was a good upbringing.

My mom was an incredibly capable mother.

She was the kind of mom that if you had three items she could put together, a huge meal for her family.

She was so talented, a wonderful seamstress.

She could help with any homework problem, any academic issue any of us were having.

My mom was extremely loving too.

Cuddly, warm, kind, positive, and a overall fantastic mom.

When I was in my senior year of high school and I was driving and particularly at night, I remember saying to my mom, I think our headlights are very dim on our car.

I think we need to have those looked at, and everybody else in the house was already driving, and she asked around and she said, no, everybody else is okay.

I said, okay, well there really it's really hard for me to see in the dark while I'm driving.

She said, well, why don't we go have your vision checked just to make sure you don't need glasses?

I did go and have my vision checked and that is when I was diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa, which is the eye disease that I have that ultimately causes blindness.

It was a mixture of well, I don't think that's right.

And yeah, nothing's going to happen to me and I'll be okay because I'm 18 and in my thinking, invincible.

And I was also angry that this was going to intrude on my young life.

And I was extremely fearful of what was going to come down the road.

And I did learn shortly thereafter.

I could not drive at night as it was too dangerous.

So I did after my diagnosis, I would say about two years afterward I did stop completely driving at night.

I always needed help and that was hard to deal with, While I was growing up and living at home, I had family members.

My dad would drive me and my mom would drive me.

My twin would do the driving, especially when it came to nighttime.

She is the one who would help me out when I needed it, and probably because I couldn't see.

I did cling on to her because I knew very much I needed her.

To keep me safe in the literal way and the figurative way.

My twin was my security blanket.

I met my late husband, Lynn.

And met him through the department store of Macy's, and it was a whirlwind romance.

It was a true love at first sight, and we were married within a year and remained married for 15.5 years.

He was a Christian.

We built our lives together and we built it where we did have the Lord first.

But we met, fell in love, got married, had six beautiful children.

It was a very strenuous time and fun all at the same time, all rolled up into one.

Lynn was a very loving, jovial, fun, caring and extremely empathetic father.

He was that individually, but as a father, he took great pride in loving his kids.

But he taught them so many things, from playing chess to playing musical instruments, from learning chemistry and physics to being able to build a birdhouse.

He truly was committed to not only being a husband, but to being a father of six children.

Probably when I was about in my early 40s, I did have to stop driving altogether.

And when Lynn would come home from work.

After a very strenuous day, busy day, he would take the kids where they needed to go.

He would take me to go to the grocery store.

He did all of the driving for everybody, and at that point, that was all eight of us.

My mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer on Christmas Day.

I will never forget that.

My mom was of the type where you only went to the doctor when you absolutely necessarily had to, and at that point it was a little too late.

It's very different to take care of parent when they're taking care of you.

It's their job to take care of you.

And there was a big switch where it was now my turn to take care of my mom, my mom who could do everything.

And my mom was a very independent person, and I am sure it was very hard for her to have to rely on me.

And she.

I know did not want to see her daughter who was taking care of her two young children have to worry about herself, but she did come to live with me and Lynn while she went through her cancer treatments.

But one of the biggest memories that sticks out with my mom during her treatment was when I. She was losing her hair and I said, well, mom, I think I should just give you a buzz cut, make you look hip and cool.

And she let me, you know, buzz off all of her hair.

And that was that was very difficult, even though that was just hair and it grows back.

It was a very vulnerable time, I think, for both of us.

Even though I am a Christian, I still have thoughts of why is this happening to me?

I don't like it.

I don't know how to deal with it.

I don't want to be part of this.

Why are you taking my mom from me?

My mom and I had a not only wonderful relationship growing up, but we had an even better bond after I was out of the home and raising my family.

It was definitely hard for me to recognize and actually to accept that my mom had a cancer that was not going to be able to be treated.

My twin had called me one day and she hadn't been feeling well.

I remember her calling me and starting to cry.

And she said, Heidi, I have something really sad to tell you.

She said she had a rare cancer.

And as she was crying, she was telling me, it's okay, she's going to be okay.

And she was telling me I was going to be okay.

At this point, I had have I had my whole family.

I had six young children and I wasn't driving at that point at all due to my vision loss.

And I know she felt almost bad that she had to tell me that she had cancer because she didn't want me to worry because I already had a full plate at home.

And she comforted me just as much as I wanted to comfort her, knowing that she had a terminal illness.

When I first met Heidi and Lynn, it was through church actually.

We attended the same church.

That was 20 years ago.

Mostly it was through activities that we did together, whether it was social, but it was through the church more than anything.

And then she and I just connected, and there was something that just brought us two together as friends.

So we started doing a lot of ministry together, women's ministry together.

At the time when Heidi's faith, when I first met her, I think, like all young Christians, we start at a a at a place, but then the intention is to grow in our faith.

So I saw that, you know, month by month, year by year with Heidi and Lynn.

I remember specifically I was at my church and it was our very first women's retreat weekend, where we learned to trust in the Lord through anything and everything.

And that was a very fitting message for that particular weekend.

Lynn dropped me off.

He was saying hello to everybody.

He was in the church band and had to drop out while he recovered from his open heart surgery, and everyone was asking, when are you going to come back?

What are you going?

I'm going to be back there.

Everything was fine.

Saturday, Colin came upstairs.

Colin had just turned 13 and he came up to me and said, mommy, daddy says his chest really hurts.

And at the moment I didn't think too much of it because he had had a defibrillator placed in his heart.

So I knew if anything happened.

He would be okay with that.

And a moment passed and I realized, no, there's something wrong.

And I rushed downstairs and Lynn was clearly in distress.

He was having an issue at that time.

We didn't know what it was.

And he said, you need to call the ambulance.

But I just knew something was happening with Lynn's health.

And I told him I would.

I would call 911.

We sent all the kids upstairs just so that they weren't upset by what was anything that was going to happen.

And Lynn was such a good dad.

I remember turning around and seeing the last thing I saw in the house was him giving his oldest son, Garland, a hug, which was the last embrace they had before he passed away.

I looked back, I really believe Lynn knew what was happening.

And he was so strong and he was, in a way, showing happiness and joy to his children and to his oldest.

So we went to the emergency room.

Lynn had suffered an aortic dissection.

His aorta had was coming off of his heart, and he was filling up with blood.

That was what was causing the pain.

And I looked back and find it an absolute miracle that Lynn did actually not pass away in front of all of the kids at home, and I'm very thankful for that.

But he remained strong to have this happen at the hospital, and I knew it was dire when the surgeon said to say goodbye.

So I took that opportunity while Lynn and I were together and he was awake, to let him know what a wonderful husband he was.

What a wonderful father he was.

What a wonderful friend and a teacher and a person he was so many who knew him.

But most of all to me, to the kids.

And I told him as he was taken away for surgery.

I remember this precisely.

Don't worry about me and the kids.

God has said that he will protect me and he will take care of me.

So you focus on getting better.

On the day that Lynn passed away, I remember it vividly in the fact that we had spent the night, two other women from the church and I had spent the night with Heidi at the hospital, and we had seen Lynn go through two surgeries.

The surgeon came out and said that they had him stabilized.

But we were definitely not out of the woods.

And the surgeon at that time suggested we had been there all evening.

He suggested I go home, grab a shower, say hi to the kids and he would let me know of the status.

So with my support group, we went home and I was just moments out of being at home and saying hi to the kids that the surgeon called and said that I needed to come to the hospital.

It was not getting better.

Everything was getting worse.

He they could not stop his bleeding and it was time to make a decision.

So I had my one girlfriend there, Sheila, and she raced me to the hospital because I didn't know if Lynn was still going to be alive when I got there, and I wanted to say goodbye to him before he died.

Even if he couldn't hear me, I needed to say it.

So Sheila and I got to the hospital, raced in, and I told them that I was here to see Lynn, and the surgeon came out and he said, we're at the point where you have to decide what to do.

And it was my moment where I had to entertain the idea of taking him off of life support system.

Things were going downhill quickly, and I can remember calling the over to the church and the service at church was just ending and letting the pastors know that Lynn was going to pass away, and they came immediately.

And even at the waiting room that day, there were probably about 20 people from the church waiting in the waiting room for her to come out from saying their goodbyes to Lynn.

And I wanted to see Lynn with my pastor and the three oldest, Colin, Corrine and Carter.

At that time, I didn't feel like the younger ones, who were only five and six and eight, should see their dad with tubes in him.

And it just wasn't a a lasting memory I wanted to put in my children minds.

But with the pastor there and Colin, Corrine, and Carter they had their opportunity to say goodbye to their dad.

And that was, as a mom, very hard to see them say goodbye, not truly understanding what they were going to face without him.

The grief that was going to soon enveloped them and engulfed them.

And the kids left, and the pastor left.

And then I was there with Lynn.

And again I remember saying to him, it's going to be okay.

You can go home now.

You can go to heaven now.

God has promised to take care of me, and he has promised to take care of the kids.

And I believe with all my heart that he will.

I don't know what that looks like, but he said he would.

So I remember telling Lynn, I'm going to take you off of life support and you're going to go home and be healed.

And with the grace of God, I'm going to raise the kids.

And I looked at the surgeon and I told him he could go.

And then I was, in a moment, a single blind mom with six young kids whose twin sister at that time was dying, with no parents.

And I never felt so all alone, yet so supported at the same time.

When they came from and I'm speaking, this was Heidi, Collin, Corrine and Carter came out from saying their goodbyes and our pastor, Senior Pastor Mike, was with them.

As we stood there, she collected her brood and went off to a corner and it was a fairly large waiting room.

So they sat down in a on a chair couch with the kids around her, and she proceeded just to tell them that their dad wouldn't be with them in this lifetime, but in eternity they would be together.

And it was.

I often say it was quite a privilege to watch how she dealt with that and what she how she explained it to the children and of course, the adults that were there.

Literally, we were weeping in the background just watching her.

So after Lynn was taken off of life support, I did have to go out and face the children and let them know that their dad had passed away, and not that it would ever be an easy thing to do.

But by far that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, was to tell the kids that their dad has died, and they will not see him again until they go to heaven.

And.

Honestly, by the grace of God, I was able to do it without breaking down.

I was able to comfort the kids who needed comfort in that time.

Because what if, I remember asked, are we ever get get to see daddy again?

I said, no, no, you do not get to see daddy anymore.

And they were all very quiet, stoic.

And I look back and I, I feel like my children were trying to comfort me just as much as I was trying to comfort them at that moment.

After Lynn passed away, my twin was battling cancer, and she ultimately died six months later.

And I remember being just so stuck in grief with having lost my husband.

I almost couldn't believe I had then just lost my twin, who up to that time I had had for 46 years.

The Longest relationship I'd ever had with someone was with my twin for 46 years, and the second most meaningful relationship I had had was with my husband, who had just passed away.

And I do remember thinking, I can't do this.

How in the world am I even going to do this?

After Lynn passed away, you know, that is a time I would say during the time of the funeral, a lot of people step up and are there.

But the day comes that Heidi goes home alone with six kids.

And what happens then?

It wasn't long after my husband had passed away and I was feeling just overwhelmed with everything of what I had to do and the enormity of having a half a dozen children that I was now responsible for on my own.

And I did not have my sounding board and my helpmate with me.

And I remember being outside weeding with my children, in particular, Chloe, who at that time was, I believe, still eight years old, and I just had this overwhelming feeling of almost a dread.

I just don't know if I can do this.

And I, I looked at Chloe and I said, Chloe, I don't I don't know if I can do this.

I just don't know if I can do this.

And she looked at me and she said, mama, you are doing this.

You are.

And I remember for a moment being taken aback by the words of an eight year old where at that time I was 46 and I thought, I can't do this, this is too much.

How am I supposed to be able to do all of this?

And my eight year old said, but mom, you are doing it.

I will never forget that moment of her believing in me so much.

And in a way, it was almost like the Lord speaking through Chloe saying, Heidi, you can do this because you are doing it.

When Lynn passed away, he was the only one working.

I was, I stayed home, mom raising the children and I also didn't work because I couldn't drive.

But my vision was decreasing.

So when he died, it was an immediate stop of our income, which was jarring and shocking, especially for a family of my size, and truly quite frightening because I wasn't sure how I was going to make ends meet.

My church raised funds for me and again, by the grace of God, through my church and through other people, I had money given to me that I was able to put away and store.

Heidi was good about reaching out to me and just allowing me to help her in gathering people to help support her in whatever that she needed.

And she had great neighbors and friends that had known them even longer than I had known them.

That stepped up to help.

And we were really there to provide whatever assistance.

And whether she spoke with me directly about what her needs were, but whether it be carpooling for the kids or babysitting for the kids, you know, she had a she the church family really rallied around her to help support her in whatever she deem necessary.

We're living in a two bedroom, one bath house, and we knew we had wanted to move out and have a a bigger place.

All six kids were in the one room and we just needed to expand and looking for a new house was put on hold.

After Lynn passed away, I went from almost a ground zero where I felt like I couldn't do anything.

Three years later, by the grace of God, I was able to buy a larger home in a better area where my kids could walk to and from school and to the other areas of the community, because at that point we were completely reliant on other people since my oldest son was not driving yet.

Because Heidi couldn't drive any longer, she needed and wanted to get the kids to church as well as herself.

So I put together a chart that basically gave a first through fifth week of the month, and I asked for volunteers that would be willing to go to their home, pick up the family, bring them to the church and take them home.

And we had people step forward that did that for them weekly.

When Lynn passed away, Collin was 13 at that time.

Heidi, there were times that she couldn't reach out to other people, and Collin was there.

And so the conversations would occur that just for Heidi to have a sounding board for.

But calling himself just was called to step up as far as watching the kids more often so that Heidi could be able to do some things on her own.

I think for a young, young man of 13, he a lot was expected of him at at such a young age.

And, you know, he seemed to do it willingly, that there was not much pushback from him with that.

Heidi had always said it to him when you turned 16, you will be getting that license ASAP.

And he did.

He did.

And he became their driver so that the list was no longer needed.

But it was amazing to see the 16 year old driving you know, this huge passenger van with the family in it, but he was called to do that.

I remember saying to the Lord, well, you've given me the opportunity to buy a big home, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to always be able to afford it.

So if you're going to give me this home, I know you're going to give me a way to pay for it.

I often think there's certain things God puts into place, and Heidi's job was one of them, in that we had talked all along, that as she was losing her sight, that she needed to provide some kind of income.

But how was she going to do that?

Because, for one, taking public transportation to get to and from a job would be very difficult.

But also with six children and between days off the school or someone being sick, how was she going to find a job outside of the home?

And that was always a concern.

And I never thought that with my eyesight the way it was, that I would ever be able to have a really decent paying job again.

But my girlfriend Rhonda got me in touch with her son in law, who is an attorney in Oregon.

So God, God really came came on strong on this one.

And that my son in law is a lawyer out in Bend, Oregon, and he said he had interviewed various people and it just didn't seem like the right fit.

And I remember Heidi from years ago that she had done legal work.

And I said to Pete, would you ever consider interviewing Heidi?

And he had met Heidi some years back at a, while they were in town and he said, I would love to interview her and see how we could work this out.

And I interviewed with him on the phone, and I started working for him remotely and have been bringing in an income since my husband has passed away.

She's been with him since, and they are a blessing to each other and to do that across the country.

Who would have known?

But it all worked out, all worked out great.

And the Lord has provided for me and has taken care of me.

Just like I said to Lynn before he passed away, I said, the Lord will take care of me.

He will provide for the kids and he has.

Currently with my eyesight, I have a very difficult time seeing faces and there is definitely a progression of vision loss.

When I do use a computer, I can't use it the way a typical person uses with.

It's a white back and dark letters.

I have to have all of my colors inverted so that I can see, and I need to make everything larger.

My vision at this point is definitely.

I am definitely cane dependent when I'm outside of my home.

If I go to a store or travel anywhere, I need my cane.

Not only just to let other people know that I have a vision issue, but it's truly for my safety also.

So at this stage of my vision loss, I need my cane.

If I don't have my cane, I need an assistant.

I need somebody with me, a guide, which could be my children, a friend, and being able to see in the dark has always been an issue.

It's just more so now, and I have lost the ability to see faces most.

That I would say is the, biggest thing that I notice is that I really cannot see people's faces.

After Lynn passed away, I took the scripture literally and I. I believed in it with my whole heart where the Lord said, you pray specifically for what you want for your heart's desire.

And I knew the moment that Lynn had passed away that I was not going to be able to do this on my own, but nor did I want to do it on my own.

I liked being part of a partnership.

I liked having my helpmate raise the family, and I immediately started praying for another person to be part of my life.

And at that time, because I didn't know who that person was going to be, I called him Boaz.

And that comes from a story in the Bible where Ruth, who was a young widow, followed her mother in law, and she was going along with her life.

And Boaz met her and they ended up being married.

And he was her provider.

He was her protector.

And I knew I needed that.

When I first met Gary, I was looking for a painter.

My realtor at the time had a friend who was Gary, who willingly went over to the house and painted.

I had said at the end, thank you so much for helping me.

I'm going to give you guys money.

And they said, no, we're not going to take money from you.

So I said, okay, well, we'll take I'll take you guys out for dinner.

From that first meeting, it led into lots of phone calls.

Later on, he had bought my family an entire pre-made Thanksgiving meal.

And from from that I called him to thank him.

And why don't we get together?

And why don't we get together?

Let into I like you and I like you turned into we got married two and a half years later.

As much as we all loved the idea of having a protector and a provider and a man in the house, it wasn't dad.

That's very difficult.

So some of the kids really bucked against Gary, did not like the idea of me bringing a new man into the home.

And the longer Gary and I persevered at staying together and working with the kids, the more they dropped their guard and accepted Gary.

Now that I am remarried to an absolutely wonderful man and I still have all six kids living here, it is definitely more joyful, happier, more fulfilling, and more content, I have to say, than where I was in between losing Lynn and gaining Gary.

It has been one of the most beautiful answers to prayer that I have ever had.

As far as her faith afterwards, I think it deepened greatly and I can even remember her sharing that with me at one point in time that because she had to rely so much on her Heavenly Father, that her her faith just deepened and her relationship, personal relationship with with God deepened during that period of time, during those few years, because she had that alone time, that where it might have been filled with Lynn and was now filled with loneliness.

And she found a lot of strength and comfort in just having those private out on the swing set conversations with God.

When you're going through grief, sometimes you have the feeling that it will never get better or that this is it.

I am where I am now, and that's the way I'm going to feel.

That's the way I'm going to stay.

That there's no relief from the overwhelming and ongoing pain as associated from losing either a someone or in my case, someone and vision and finances.

But that's not true.

Grief is not to be lived through for forever.

It is a time in your life that you do have to work at it.

You can't ignore it or it will never go away.

But when you work on your grief, when you meet it face to face, when you accept it for what it is.

Then you can really let the healing start to happen.

And after that is when you can look around and see life is still going on.

There are opportunities that the Lord's placing in front of you to live life, to be joyful, to have happiness again.

But you have to be willing to accept it.

It really demonstrates that how the human condition and how if the work is put in and Heidi has a great term about grieving well.

She calls it because it is something that can't be put off to the side.

It has to be dealt with.

But do you grieve, Do you grieve well or do you grieve poorly?

And she's really an example of grieving well.

Joy is a little bit more joyful now.

Happiness is a little bit happier now because I, I lost so much.

I recognize the importance of truly grasping with with an intensity what I have now, whether it's sadness or being proud of my children or laughter or sitting around the table just enjoying something simple as a family meal with my whole family there.

You can go from the depths of grief, work through it and come out the other side stronger and more prepared to face any of life's battles In how she has affected women.

In talking about her loss, how she has managed through it.

It just it is an inspiring story of navigating through such a difficult time in her life.

And here she is now, you know, married and a new life begins where the where God just intended it to be.

- That I have moved into a new chapter of my life that is filled with everything I used to have, but even a little more, I found my Boaz.