Didnt I tell you to get here earlier?

I was here early.

I've never been 4 or 5 hours early for a 2:00pm downbeat.

So, like, the first one will be “The Intro.” Right.

And then they're going to play on everything today?

Yes.

You don't want to film him struggling.

How do you turn this on?

Yeah [laughs] Is this- What do you call this?

Pro Tools?

They should really follow you as the leader.

They're mostly looking for me for, like, time signature changes or, like, inspiration.

Inspiration.

Inspiration.

Hopefully that'd be.

That'd be cool.

Thatd be good.

If you could say anything to Ryan, what would you say?

Oh boy.

I would just I don't know.

I feel like I actually don't need to say anything to Ryan.

Because I think actions speak louder than words sometimes.

Well, are you focused on the trumpets?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think we'll still use the last take as the bed, but then we'll comp that section with the double tonguing.

Yeah, we'll comp that section.

Absolutely crush the trumpets.

Yeah.

Composition wise.

They were fantastic.

I'm gonna let you do this part.

Oh, you don't know?

I'll do the eggs.

Five years ago, we released The Ocean, which originally was the 3-song EP I wrote with my friend June Bracken, that focused on the grieving process and specifically losing my older brother Ryan.

The summer before Ryan passed away, I went to a songwriting camp.

Brett and I thought it would be fun to write a song together because he played piano very well.

We just wrote a simple love song and then Ryan passed away, and that day we actually played the song for everyone at the McCutcheons house and quickly realized how well it fit the situation.

It turned from a love song into an “I miss you” song, a song about grieving, a song about a new loss.

That was the beginning of the project.

Flash forward to today and we released The Ocean - Five Years, which looks back on the grieving process with a new perspective.

Music is the most constant thing in my life.

Ryan really showed me that music was a way to get people together I felt like I was changed by the way he perceived music.

Do you remember the conversation we had?

And I said, well, why wouldn't we just get Pittsburgh Symphony players to actually play it?

And you're like, because you don't do that.

That's why, because you don't.

And he kind of laughed like, well, yeah, sure.

Okay.

And I was like, no, I'm serious.

Like, if you wanted to record it why wouldn't we do that?

And then, all of a sudden, it's like this light bulb went off.

That's where you get in trouble.

Thats where you have to refinance the house, yeah.

I knew that when we got to the point where mentally, we were prepared to take that next step, that I was going to call Chris and ask for his help.

How do I go about hiring 28 members of the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra to pull this off?

And Brett had composed all of this and arranged all of this.

But not being a string player and not having heard live string on this before, that was sort of the uncomfortable spot for him.

We're in the coffee shop and we're going through the score, and Chris had just come from a rehearsal, and he had his violin with him.

And Chris says, “Would you mind if I just?” And he opens up the violin case and in the middle of the coffee shop, just starts playing, and I just watched Brett's face.

And I think at one point he even played the violin solo.

It was awesome.

I mean, it sounded perfect.

Hes like, do you want it this way or do you want it this way?

I'm like, either it doesn't matter.

The first thing I was thinking when they walked in the door is that I've been conducting for like a year and composing for even less.

I'm completely out of my mind, terrified.

In 132, 3, 4, 5, so [plays music phrase] You want to hear that, right?

[plays music phrase] Or do you want [plays music phrase] What's your instinct on that?

I'll just roll with that.

I would separate them.

I would hear both.

So we can just [plays music phrase] Are you just hooking that?

But as soon as you talk to them, they're so incredibly kind.

They believe in the project.

They also understand it.

Doctor Helmick, for example, was like, okay, we'll get you on stage.

We'll get you this experience, and it will be almost like a warm-up, but also like a very scary warm-up within itself to conduct the top ensemble at Slippery Rock.

But the professors and the teachers have been such an inspiration for me in terms of believing in me.

And that's something I want to pass on to my own students.

Just thank you to Dr.

Kush, Dr.

Eisenreich, and Dr.

Helmick for being such great mentors to me.

I also want to thank all of my friends in the ensemble for showing such great professionalism.

Even though I'm an amateur Composer, conductor, and musician, they are incredible and they really perform it quite well, as youll see.

June is the most loyal friend for just coming back.

She's going on her own career path and everything.

It's such a selfless thing of her to do.

To dive into this project again.

And it just means so much to me.

[playing piano] Was it really that long ago When your eyes met mine, before we realized This was more than just a fling?

I'm just a huge Chris Jamison fan, so if I want music released by Chris Jamison.

Why not just have him on your own project and release it yourself?

And he was like, more than willing to be on it.

It was.

It was such a great opportunity.

And, I thank him for that.

Yeah.

In the process of putting all this together.

The connections you've made with people is a vehicle for having the conversation.

It's interesting for me.

The first time you did the music five years ago, I had much more of a visceral reaction when I would hear it.

It was much more raw.

But I'll tell you, when the symphony was in the studio and I was hearing live strings and live horns and hearing all that come together brought a lot of that emotion back.

I mean, I got chills a lot of times.

It's still very much there.

I think Mom struggles with music more, listening to it.

Oh, it just crushes me.

But I keep trying.

It's been therapy for you, so that makes me happy.

Yeah.

And youve worked very hard every moment that you could have had through all these years.

You've worked on the music, so.

When somebody dies in the life of a child, it turns that child's life upside down.

It changes you as a person.

There's no way to get through grief that's easy.

I hope you're sleeping while I'm lying here awake.

Because I got this white noise in my head that I can't take.

How many days ‘til the next time I can see you?

‘Cause I don't think that you realize what I would do for me to be with you.

What I would do for me to be with you.

When in a place that doesn't cost a dime.

To suddenly get lost in time.

What I would have done before you say we had a good run Id spend every minute with you, my dear.

Until we both run out of years.

[Orchestra plays] When you left today I told myself that youd just gone away So I'm waiting here.

There's no way that you could just disappear.

But you're not here And I'm left to face My greatest fear that there's nothing I could do.

But forget the memories of me and you.

What I would do For me to be with you.

When in a place that doesn't cost a dime.

To suddenly get lost in time.

What I would have done Before you say we had a good run Id spend every minute with you, my dear.

Until we both run out of years.

[Orchestra plays] He likes his LEGOs.

These are all photos from his graduation.

We were kids and we wrote on the whiteboard.

He was like a big football person.

And liked to keep all the stats together.

Very analytical.

That's like his writing.

And my dad just kept it over time.

So nobody touch that because it'll- it'll erase and then it's gone.

I haven't been asked that in a while.

He was just a good person.

He would always put himself in other people's shoes.

He didn't really care what it took to be there for people.

Him and my parents both made me do marching band and I did not want to.

Him forcing me to do something that he knew that I would like and enjoy, and it would impact me.

I did end up loving it.

Yeah.

We were always talking about music stuff and how we're doing and how were progressing through things and the thing that I missed most was simple things like playing video games together.

Oh my God, oh my God.

Just like two player games.

You don't realize how much fun they are until like you can't play them.

What is that?

What is that, Brett?

What is that?

Oh my God!

Ryan, oh my God!

Ryan being one of my best friends, everything really hit me hard.

From when I heard the news, it still affects my life today.

So getting to hear that project for the first time, being in tears afterwards because it brought back all these memories and emotions about that friendship.

It's only continued to have that effect on me in a deeper way.

Ryan was an indoor percussion, outdoor percussion, marching band, everything.

So we ended up just kind of hitting it off and he was just a really, really fun guy and always cracking jokes, always smiling, always had something to say that would brighten your day.

And him being a stellar musician would always drive me to want to be more as a musician myself is just really, really beautiful.

I taught Ryan in my English III class and Brett in my Academic English III class.

Ryan's class was a really special class to me.

I can tell you a lot about Ryan.

He was such a good soul.

Ryan was silly.

He just always had that sort of little clown in him.

He was just always making a funny face, doing a silly gesture, making people laugh.

I didnt know I was recording, sorry!

He had a kind heart.

He had such a good heart for people always caring, worried about others.

I don't think I fully understood or appreciated until after his passing, and I started learning from people that I had never even met, how much of an impact he had on their lives.

And that's where I think it came back to, you know, working with students and teaching was a natural for him, and he was talented.

He was really talented with his drumming.

Oh, he loved- he loved percussion.

I woke up in the morning to a text from Brett asking if I was awake.

He texted me probably four in the morning and he said, “Can I call you?” It was my freshman year of college, waking up in my dorm room.

I received a text message from one of my other good friends from high school.

I remember it was a really beautiful day, and I had a lot of missed calls from a lot of former students, so I knew something was wrong.

I was at a drumline party the night of September 30th.

It was honestly like one of the best nights of my life, which is so strange to think about.

He called.

He just said Ryan died and was crying.

That phone call I had with June, that was the moment that I almost grew up faster than I probably should have.

Bypassing the denial stage of grief that crushes you.

It really crushes you.

Every day is a struggle.

To wake up, find purpose.

Yeah.

That's hard.

Yeah.

That's a constant struggle.

No one would understand.

A lot of people think you get over it.

It's like you don't bounce out of it.

And you know get a lot of “Why don't you show up?” “It's been, you know, five years.” “Why can't you- why aren't you involved?” And we've had progress.

And it gets better.

Takes a lot of time.

It's a struggle.

Yeah, there's no doubt.

I wake up every day and just.

Here's another day.

But you work through it.

I have Bob, I have Brett, family friends.

And I'll get through it.

Yeah.

If life's an ocean, Im at the bottom of the ocean.

If life's an ocean, Im at the bottom of the ocean.

I missed the wave.

The worlds in motion Drifting through the ocean.

The world's in motion.

Drifting through the ocean.

I missed the wave.

I missed the wave.

Keeps getting farther.

Its moving without me.

Dont see the light no more down here.

Keeps getting darker.

It's moving without me.

I don't see the light no more.

Down here.

I missed the wave.

Hows the bacon?

We okay?

[laughs] The bacon!

Its probably burnt to a crisp.

[laughs] Are they?

But you gotta take them out.

I feel like.

I just turned it off.

I don't think we want to look at that.

We're doing well today.

Oh, jeez.

Yeah, youre gonna want to- [laughs] Woo!

All right.

I was walking back to my car, and one of the students stopped me.

He was telling me that he also lost his brother around the same age.

Very similar situation.

He listened to the original Ocean songs, and he said he just bawled.

That's- That's a lot to hear.

It's one thing for you to go through it.

It's another thing for friends and family to go through it and to watch that.

And this is a student that you would never be able to tell.

You would never know that there's another layer behind that person that's gone through so much.

It was interesting how many musicians shared their personal stories with you.

Yeah, there's always been that person that's been able to come up to me and share.

Okay.

So.

Right.

So.

[sings] Now Im floating The writing process for floating was very interesting.

I don't even know how I wrote it.

Part of me thinks that Ryan was there helping me out because it just kind of came out in like a half hour.

I just kind of let it out and that was kind of this whole It was- I was very motivated to to help and to be able to convey a message for another person.

But then you went down [June sings] Yeah, do that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Luke on guitar floating full take two.

[June sings] I've had enough.

We were diamonds.

Now I'm the rough.

Now that nothing's the same.

The worlds still, it's a different game.

But that's not who I am.

I'm half you, half of my own plan.

It's written in stone.

I'm on my own But Im not alone When I look at the sky.

My minds ignited, the 4th of July.

Unrequited for a reason that's clear I still get excited when I feel youre here.

Although I can only see you when I'm dreaming about you.

I'm not losing sleep, I can breathe here I doubt you would want me led astray If there's nothing I can change.

Some days I feel I'm drowning.

If I'm being honest.

Ill pick myself up, And Ill do as I promised.

Make us prouder every day.

Wont lead myself astray If we fall, well Just look at the sky and see the stars.

That we saw in your eyes Consumed with peace, Remembering your dash.

And well live ours ‘til we all turn to ash.

Although I can only see you when I'm dreaming about you.

I'm not losing sleep I can breathe here I doubt you would want me led astray.

If there's nothing I can change.

Some days I feel I'm drowning.

If Im being honest.

Ill pick myself up.

And Ill do as I promised.

Make us prouder every day.

Wont lead myself astray.

And youll guide me While Im fighting.

You are all I need to fight the tide.

Now Im floating, I'll keep going.

I'll make you proud of me.

This is what we call the reflections area of The Caring Place.

And our main mission is to provide a safe space for kids and their adult family members to come who are grieving.

It was really the philosophies of Mister Rogers upon which we based our programming.

He always said, kids want to know.

You know, if you go back and look at his early shows, you know, he was talking about things like death.

He did a whole segment on one of his fish in his fish tank.

Probably the biggest misconception of children who are grieving is that children are resilient and they bounce back quickly.

Death changes you and death changes, how you perceive life From that point on, they view everything before the and after the death.

Don't assume that because it's two years later that the child is over it.

So often we hear the kids and the teens talking about, they feel guilty.

They feel guilty when they're having fun or when they're experiencing the good things in life.

And we help them understand that that's part of the normal process of the great journey.

The arts give us another vehicle for that expression.

There are times, especially through music, that you can express and “say” something that you can't say with words.

The avenue isn't as important as you finding some way not to hold that grief inside because held inside it will destroy you.

And we all need some healthy outlet to let it come out so that we can process it and integrate it into our life.

Now, I'll show you this that I brought in just a minute, but I need to feed the fish right away.

There.

I have some friends who get very concerned when I forget the fish during our visits.

Well, I just wanted you to know that even if I forget to feed them when we're together, I come back later and feed them.

So they're always taken care of.

Mhm.

It's good to know that fish and animals and children are taken care of by those who can.

Isn't it?

[Mister Rogers sings] I like to take care of you.

Yes, I do, yes, I do.

I like to take care of you, yes, I do, Yes, I do.

I like to take care of you, too.

We had to find a balance of how we could do this as a family, and respect the pace that we had to take for one another, because we weren't all in the exact same place at the same time.

Ironically, it's sort of the waves in the ocean you go in these ups and up and down phases, and there were times when I'm up and she's down, and then we were sort of in inverse phases with one another.

That was probably a good thing, because if we both found ourselves in the trough at the same time, it was not a good, a good place to be.

I've had many, many students that have lost their lives, too many to count, many students who have experienced people very close to them dying.

Just this year I have six students who have lost a parent.

People who are grieving go through so many of the same things, and nothing that you're feeling is wrong.

But there's people that love you and care about you and want to help you through it the best that they can.

I remember seeing images of the Cliffs of Dover.

It just reminded me.

It's like once you get to the shore, you're looking up at these huge cliffs.

There's still a long journey past the initial stages of grief that people don't talk about a lot.

They expect you to just move on after a year, maybe.

And reality is, five years later I'm still dealing with that grief.

It's the hardest to love yourself.

Brett gave me a copy of the album, and I played it on repeat for a really, really long time.

Thats what was so beautiful about having Brett in my class.

We were there to help each other and other kids too.

There were so many kids in my classes that still have connections to Ryan or Brett or June.

And so it's something that like keeps living on.

Ryan is bringing us together.

Hi Brett.

Hi.

Ryan!

Hi, Ryan.

Hi.

At what point did you become the older sibling?

And realize that I was always proud.

It's been five years and you don't look same.

I read a book with my students every year called The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

I remember reading it with Ryan's class.

It's a book about a man who dies and he finds out that in heaven you meet five people that will explain your life to you.

So you understand like the purpose of your life.

Ryan would be one of my five people.

Although the loss of Ryan is very great and very saddening, it fostered some very, very beautiful things.

If I could go back and tell myself anything, make sure that you cherish the time that you had with Ryan.

But understand that great things can still come from great losses Seeing someone so close to me, And a family that has done so many amazing things for me and go through such a tremendous loss.

It has had, like, a very big impact on my life.

You really don't know what's going on in anyone's life.

We teach together now, you know, like you and Ryan taught together, and now we teach together.

All the students think we look alike and everything.

It's like they have no idea what we've been through together.

And like the story behind all of that.

Its probably one of the most important friendships I have in my life.

This project and what it means.

And you're doing something that's super special to not just me, not just you, but to everyone whos- who's experienced that.

Talk about like, such a great example of how I want to live my life in a way.

My mom being incredibly selfless and then my dad serving as like the creative go-getter, he would be the one to push me to do it, and my mom would be the one that would also support me in just being able to do anything that I want to achieve.

Thats my reason to live and to be there for him.

And I will always, always be there.

And I'm proud of everything he's done.

And he's incredible.

You know, when Ryan passed, he just picked up and went.

He says, I'm going to school.

He didn't miss a beat.

Come home from the funeral.

He's like, I have to go march [Dana laughs] in the band.

And it's like, okay, go.

You have a dance.

He went to a dance and he just kept going and going, and he did an unbelievable job.

He was still getting straight A's, and I don't know how he did it.

I don't know how he passed his tests and continued on.

So he kept us going.

To be.

15 years old, and lose a sibling That's a very different grief than a parent losing a child.

That's the thing that I've learned in this whole process is grief is not one thing.

It's many, many different types of feelings and emotions and circumstances, that are so very unique to the individual.

The last text that I've had with Ryan, he said I'm proud of you.

What more do I need than that?

I'm still crying in my car like every third trip.

And I don't hate that.

You know, it allows me to sit with how I feel and how I love.

Biggest takeaway I think is just a story of love and sharing love with other people.

Everybody is trying their best.

It's okay to forgive yourself.

It's okay to love yourself and to love other people.

So I need the people around me to know that they should be proud of themselves.

And that's a big purpose of this project.

The grieving process never ends.

Never say no to music.

Thank you for watching.

By us.

See ya, people.

We want to say goodbye.

By Brett and Ryan.